The Rules Disney Left Out

Flipping through relationship articles after my recent engagement was baptised by my own brand of fire, I've been reminiscing on a lot of my past relationships. I've been divorced 2 years now, and I'm well over my ex-husband, though I've missed being married more than a few times. My fiance is a long-time friend, who's known me nearly my entire adult life, and whom I've trusted with plenty that is near and dear to me. He's more than proven himself at this point, and has even learned, I believe, the importance of communication. Now that it's all been proven and, to use a tattoo-world term, now that the relationship has been "set" (Ever had anyone slap a fresh tattoo? Your tattoo was set.) I'm looking forward, making idealistic and tenative plans in my head, and wondering how I can do this whole marriage thing better this time around. Besides the obvious- picking someone I'm more likely to last with- there's a surprising amount of genuinely useful information out there. MSN's relationship section is my current fascination. 8 Things No One Will Ever Tell You About Marriage is particularly comforting, I must say. I've been in enough relationships to recognize the 'This is it?!' feeling. Waking up next to the same person every day does lose it's excitement at some point, I promise you. It's far more difficult the morning you wake up and they AREN'T there, though, and I'm speaking from experience on that one. The one thing I miss most about being married was knowing that, no matter what I went through, I had a partner, that I wouldn't be going through anything alone. I can say, also from experience, it is way more comforting to have a partner who's reactions you can almost predetermine. The knowledge that you can depend on your partner to be the calm, focused and reasonable one when you go off the deep end is far more comforting in your moments of darkness than you can imagine before it happens, I assure you. One person quoted in the aforementioned article equates marriage to weight loss- expecting it to be a one-time battle, but finding out it's a day-to-day struggle. I can relate to that, especially after being sober a little over 4 months here in the US Army. It's no joke. These things get easier as you realize what you're going to be dealing with, but the road is never completely down hill. There are always bumps and hills that you never saw coming.
An interesting point the author raises is that it's truly important- yes, important- to have an occasional really big fight. It clears the air, old issues, new issues- everything in one shot. A week ago I would have rolled my eyes at that. After nearly ending my engagement after a freak out I had a few days ago, I was hit by a shocking realization: even I didn't know what I was really upset about. When I went off on him, though, it all came out, every detail, things I hadn't even realized were bothering me about the way we were doing things. You know what? It cleared everything up, and I have never felt so content, safe or at peace with any relationship I have ever had. I'm quite proud of myself for learning this particular lesson without flushing a five-year friendship and budding marriage down the drain. I'm even more proud of Ryan for not giving up on me when I was hurtful and unfair to him. He more or less denies my wrong-doing in retrospect, which is amazing to me, and the latest addition to my list of reasons not to walk away from this.
A point I liked from an article about surprising things that had a tendency to cause trouble in otherwise healthy marriages/relationships (I can't for the life of me find the article right now) was that women making more money than their husbands can cause a lot of tension. This is something even had to step back from and think about. I'm in the Army. My fiance is a tatoo artist. It's a given that I'm going to be the primary breadwinner, at least until/unless the shop we're planning to open takes off in a big way. Thing is, tattooing just isn't a steady kind of work- more customers in the summer months, and repeat customers are a huge deal. None the less, there is inherent instability in this career, and I have no issues with that. Being in the military and making more than my (soon-to-be) husband does have one major benefit though: I am in the one career field where I genuinely will not be successful without his help, and my promotion and doing well will truly be linked to his efforts, as well as mine. Don't believe me? Ask any military spouse what I'm talking about. I've been there- and spouses can truly be the piece of the puzzle that makes or breaks a military career, and it's not always so subtle. The reason this is such a benefit, though, is because it will be that much easier to make sure there is no ego damage- to either of us- when it comes to this. I know from experience I will do better with a stable, happy home life, than as being a single soldier with nothing but myself. There are, naturally, added challenges, but they are all worththe added strength that comes from having my best friend at home, holding down the fort, and watching my back in ways I can't always do.
A fascinating article on unique marriages brings up another point I have found myself comprehending recently; Trust and partnership are the most basic and neccesarry components. People talk about cheating, but, personally, when I learned my ex-husband cheated on me (I made my mistakes, too), it was equally as hurtful to me that he's been hiding pornography from me as it was that he'd been cheating. I'd never had a problem with porn, in all truth- it was the fact that he'd abused my trust by hiding these things that hurt worse than any of his actions actually did. I'm not saying everyone should be accepting of their partner going out and sleeping with whoever they feel like, but I think sex is one of those things that is simply taken as a given part of a relationship or marriage at this point, and it seems counterproductive to not be taking a closer look at how each of us as an individual and each individual couple feels about an aspect of our relationship that has a drastic, heavy and unmistakable impact on our every day lives, not to mention our happiness and survival as a couple or family.
Anyway, it's late and time for me to crash.
I guess I'm not completely hopeless when it comes to relationships after all.