Hindsight

It is sad to me to read about Michael Jackson, now post-mortem.

He was a celebrity, both famous and infamous, depending on who you were speaking to, but I think the way America, as a whole, reacts to him really says something about who WE are. There is a quote I stumbled across that says 'When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself." -Wayne Dyer. I think that Michael Jackson is a prime example of this. He was accused and acquitted of child molestation. Instead of taking the word of the people who are paid to ensure the justice system works correctly, instead of thinking about it and understanding that no amount of fame would allow that many people to turn a blind eye to something when it would put 3 other children directly in harms way, we judge. We assume they were all wrong. We would rather assume that those who had the most access to evidence were tainted, and harp on an incident and judge someone we truly could not have known. That is so sad.

In reading the above linked article, many of the statements M.J. made just strike my heart. This man, boy, child... He was so lost, so scared. It doesn't take much to see that he behaved much like a frightened child. He was emotionally a child, and in a position most adults wouldn't be able to handle. Being the center of attention that he was, well, honestly, I don't think I could handle that. I don't think I'd ever want it. I think this was probably much like a game of dress-up for him, when he was on stage. He was thrust into the spotlight from such a young age, he didn't know anything else. Everyone will make up their own mind, I know, but it is none the less sad to me that we insist on judging this way.

Judge not, lest ye be judged.
What if people assumed every accusation about you was true?

Don't Ask

The Don't Ask-Don't Tell-Don't Harrass policy has been standing for more than a decade. I ran across this article over at military.com and it got me to thinking about things.
I have friends who are gay- in and out of the military.
I have roomed with bisexual and lesbian soldiers in basic training, AIT and since I've been in Korea. I'm really not all that sure what the big fuss is about. We already have soldiers who get in conflicts over perceptions of this sort. There's also plenty of folks who just don't care that their roomate, friend, colleague, brother or sister in arms likes the same gender. There's always going to be differences. 50 years after segregation was outlawed, we still have racist folks in the world, and, sadly enough, even among the ranks of the military.
A policy cannot fix personnel.
At one point in time, I had told a gay friend of mine in the military that I really did think it was probably a bad idea to open this up and remove the policy, for fear of violence, and because living situations would undoubtedly become more stressful for some. This friend pointed out to me that violence already happens, and more often based on perceptions than known realities. That friend also pointed out to me that allowing soldiers to be open about their orientation would not force them to be such. Not all gay or lesbian soldiers want the spotlight. Not all of straight soldiers have an issue serving next to their homosexual counterparts.
While people in the civilian sector struggle to earn what most of us take as a basic human right- the right to marry- proud, patriotic and damn good soldiers are struggling just to be able to be honest. It would be a beautiful thing, to me, if I am able to stand up in uniform at my gay friends wedding, and watch her get married to her fellow (female) service member fiance.
We're brothers and sisters in arms, and I, for one, will not treat the people to my left and right as any less.

The Rules Disney Left Out

Flipping through relationship articles after my recent engagement was baptised by my own brand of fire, I've been reminiscing on a lot of my past relationships. I've been divorced 2 years now, and I'm well over my ex-husband, though I've missed being married more than a few times. My fiance is a long-time friend, who's known me nearly my entire adult life, and whom I've trusted with plenty that is near and dear to me. He's more than proven himself at this point, and has even learned, I believe, the importance of communication. Now that it's all been proven and, to use a tattoo-world term, now that the relationship has been "set" (Ever had anyone slap a fresh tattoo? Your tattoo was set.) I'm looking forward, making idealistic and tenative plans in my head, and wondering how I can do this whole marriage thing better this time around. Besides the obvious- picking someone I'm more likely to last with- there's a surprising amount of genuinely useful information out there. MSN's relationship section is my current fascination. 8 Things No One Will Ever Tell You About Marriage is particularly comforting, I must say. I've been in enough relationships to recognize the 'This is it?!' feeling. Waking up next to the same person every day does lose it's excitement at some point, I promise you. It's far more difficult the morning you wake up and they AREN'T there, though, and I'm speaking from experience on that one. The one thing I miss most about being married was knowing that, no matter what I went through, I had a partner, that I wouldn't be going through anything alone. I can say, also from experience, it is way more comforting to have a partner who's reactions you can almost predetermine. The knowledge that you can depend on your partner to be the calm, focused and reasonable one when you go off the deep end is far more comforting in your moments of darkness than you can imagine before it happens, I assure you. One person quoted in the aforementioned article equates marriage to weight loss- expecting it to be a one-time battle, but finding out it's a day-to-day struggle. I can relate to that, especially after being sober a little over 4 months here in the US Army. It's no joke. These things get easier as you realize what you're going to be dealing with, but the road is never completely down hill. There are always bumps and hills that you never saw coming.
An interesting point the author raises is that it's truly important- yes, important- to have an occasional really big fight. It clears the air, old issues, new issues- everything in one shot. A week ago I would have rolled my eyes at that. After nearly ending my engagement after a freak out I had a few days ago, I was hit by a shocking realization: even I didn't know what I was really upset about. When I went off on him, though, it all came out, every detail, things I hadn't even realized were bothering me about the way we were doing things. You know what? It cleared everything up, and I have never felt so content, safe or at peace with any relationship I have ever had. I'm quite proud of myself for learning this particular lesson without flushing a five-year friendship and budding marriage down the drain. I'm even more proud of Ryan for not giving up on me when I was hurtful and unfair to him. He more or less denies my wrong-doing in retrospect, which is amazing to me, and the latest addition to my list of reasons not to walk away from this.
A point I liked from an article about surprising things that had a tendency to cause trouble in otherwise healthy marriages/relationships (I can't for the life of me find the article right now) was that women making more money than their husbands can cause a lot of tension. This is something even had to step back from and think about. I'm in the Army. My fiance is a tatoo artist. It's a given that I'm going to be the primary breadwinner, at least until/unless the shop we're planning to open takes off in a big way. Thing is, tattooing just isn't a steady kind of work- more customers in the summer months, and repeat customers are a huge deal. None the less, there is inherent instability in this career, and I have no issues with that. Being in the military and making more than my (soon-to-be) husband does have one major benefit though: I am in the one career field where I genuinely will not be successful without his help, and my promotion and doing well will truly be linked to his efforts, as well as mine. Don't believe me? Ask any military spouse what I'm talking about. I've been there- and spouses can truly be the piece of the puzzle that makes or breaks a military career, and it's not always so subtle. The reason this is such a benefit, though, is because it will be that much easier to make sure there is no ego damage- to either of us- when it comes to this. I know from experience I will do better with a stable, happy home life, than as being a single soldier with nothing but myself. There are, naturally, added challenges, but they are all worththe added strength that comes from having my best friend at home, holding down the fort, and watching my back in ways I can't always do.
A fascinating article on unique marriages brings up another point I have found myself comprehending recently; Trust and partnership are the most basic and neccesarry components. People talk about cheating, but, personally, when I learned my ex-husband cheated on me (I made my mistakes, too), it was equally as hurtful to me that he's been hiding pornography from me as it was that he'd been cheating. I'd never had a problem with porn, in all truth- it was the fact that he'd abused my trust by hiding these things that hurt worse than any of his actions actually did. I'm not saying everyone should be accepting of their partner going out and sleeping with whoever they feel like, but I think sex is one of those things that is simply taken as a given part of a relationship or marriage at this point, and it seems counterproductive to not be taking a closer look at how each of us as an individual and each individual couple feels about an aspect of our relationship that has a drastic, heavy and unmistakable impact on our every day lives, not to mention our happiness and survival as a couple or family.
Anyway, it's late and time for me to crash.
I guess I'm not completely hopeless when it comes to relationships after all.

He's Only Human

My Commander-In-Chief has a different style than his predecesors, that's for certain. He's always been a bit humble, with an I'm-Just-A-Man sort of demeanor. This particular photo may be nothing more than an amusing tidbit of evidence that, yes, he's still human.
I'm sure the press will go nuts with this photograph, and I'm half-certain there will be some sort of public apology once a million people take this too far, but, hell guys, he's a man. If you wanted a militant, inhuman president, you had your chance to get Hillary a shot in the runnings.
I have no doubt his wife will have a couple words for him, but I think even she knows it's little more than a snapshot taken at the right moment and a man being a man.

Follow Up: A Side Note About Complexions

I'm not entirely sure why this particular tidbit is hitting the press so hard, but it seems there's an impression that the same man who denied minority children who had a membership to his pool any further access after racist parents became upset, was the same who ran a blood drive supporting my commander in chief- President Barrack H. Obama. It's an odd coincidence, what with the massive racial implications of this mess, but it leads me to wonder if his wording- changing the "complexion" and atmosphere of the pool- was little more than a slip, or repetition of something said to him by one of these less-than-worthy parents. I am one to try to see the best in people, but, generally, I'm also the type who prefers 'hell no' to arse kissing. I suspect the parents came to this man having their racist temper tantrums, afraid the color would somehow rub off on their children and make them less aryan bastards, and the man was so overwhelmed by the response that he did the only thing he knew how to in order to diffuse the situation. I am not, by any means, defending this man; I am merely hoping that my see-the-best-in-people methods aren't completely doomed. Perhaps he is racist, but my suspicion is he was walked on by those hateful parents who's children fleed the pool because there were people of color getting in it. I think the outcome will be one hell of an apology from a man who's biggest issue is a complete lack of spine rather than moral fortitude. Personally, I would have done the opposite and told the mothers to hop in their Hitlermobile and find a whiter pool if they had issues with other paying members.
Racism is, truly, one of my biggest triggers. I grew up in a predominantly Hispanic area of the country, my town was heavily Mexican, and many that weren't were Mescalero Apaches, and I was, with my sister, the only Gringo child on the block. I am a quarter native, which is one of those things I laugh when I say because, no matter how much pride I have in this, everyone has native in them these days, and thinks it makes them special or less white somehow. I don't particularly care for race, but my roots- both ethnically and culturally- mean a lot to me. I still have a ridiculous pull to the Mexican culture- not because of any ethnic origin or tie (I don't have a drop of that) but because it's what I grew up with, and I love it, and find pride in that. The real irony of that is that I was jumped by 3 local Mexican girls at the age of 11- 2 of 3 of them I'd known since before Kindergarden- because of my skin color, and because they thought it'd make them look cool. I recently straightened out a soldier who perpetually found it humorous to call me Cracker. He's a light skinned, mixed-race male, a couple years my senior, if I recall. He's half, or maybe a quarter, black. He's extremely light skinned, and, had I turned the tables and called him Cracker, or Nigger, or Half-breed, or Oreo, or any other racial slur, it just wouldn't have been funny any more. Race is not a proving ground. Race is not a reason, a belief, a paycheck, an education, a neighborhood, an upbringing, and no, it's not even a culture. The color of a man's skin will not tell me where he was born and raised, nor where his parents are from. It will not tell me if he was raised in a good home, with good morals or if he was in a 'broken' home where he was left to fend for himself more often than not. Look at me, and you see a "white girl". I carry myself with pride, I'm intelligent, I don't let people walk on me, I have good manners and a good heart. To some people that means I grew up in a rich neighborhood with a good education and a close family. In truth, my parents divorced when I was 2, and my whole childhood resembled a long, poorly made Lifetime movie. Multiple fights, injuries, hospitalizations, foster homes, medications, lies, deaths, moves, boyfriends and 2 rapes later, I was forced to grow up quickly. Only a few months before my 21st birthday, the lies I'd been told my entire life began unravveling, and I had to take responsibility for a lot of things I was unprepared for, and start fresh in a way I never could have understood as I did it. I grew up in bad neighborhoods, hearing drive-by shootings in the middle of many nights, and seeing things, within my home, and on the outside, that I never should have known about. I may look like just another "white girl" but if you think I'm some rich, snotty, barbie-doll wanna be princess, you need to open your eyes and realize nothing is as simple as skin color. Nothing.

Scene?

I stumbled across UrbanDictionary.com earlier, and, eventually across a post about what is referred to as being "scene". I suppose I've heard the term before, but I think I must have ignored it. Seriously, though, people still go that far out of their way to belong to some little fanatical clique? And that many others go that far out of their way to make a public display of being disgruntled with people who go out of their way to belong to some little fanatical clique? What is with people these days? Am I that far removed from society or are these people just painfully, horrendously self-concious? I honestly didn't think people still behaved like this. I know what drama is- I've seen plenty of that- but this is my clique vs your clique high school BS. Grow up, people!!!!

Changing Complexion

Every time I'm convinced the 1950-era racism is surely dwindling to nothing, something like this pops up. These children were from a day camp and had gone on a day trip to swim at a pool they had a membership at. Then, apparently, the club realized they weren't white, and told them to leave. Seriously? There's a place in the article that says they were 'left to wonder if their race was the reason' but I don't know how there were any questions at all about why they were asked to leave by the wording.
I can't wait to see the follow up on how the pool owner explains this one.
What a disgusting display.
These are children, yours aren't any better than anyone else's, and if you're teaching them to be so hateful they got out of the pool when a person of another race gets into it, they're going to be trampled on as adults. Good job, mom and dad.

Bleeding Shame

They aren't "screwing around". That's a portion of the first sentence in this article about New Zealand billboards, pictures of children most of the time, that BLEED when it rains. While I'm a bit astounded at this particular medium, the message is one I strongly agree with. People drive carelessly as a whole- if you think any country is exempt, I encourage you to spend some time here in South Korea. These are, as a whole, the smartest people I've ever met- and they still drive like complete maniacs! Anyway, that was my quick 2 cents on this one.

Nexxxt

So, I was sitting here, flipping through my usual page of headlines over at Fark, reading this article about, well, being provacative vs. being empowered, and thinking about an e-mail a friend sent me earlier, on top of some spiritual questions that have been popping up for me recently. The e-mail was just one of those chain forwards that goes around and around and around, assuring it's own survival by demanding the reader pass it on to so-many friends, you know the sort. I read them anyway, if I have time, because every once in a while they have a decent message. This one did. It was the story, I'm sure you've heard it, about some mouthy teenager going off on an elderly gentleman about why his generation will never be able to understand the up-and-coming one. 'We've been raised with cell phones, computers, people walking on the moon, neurophysics.." Blah, blah, blah, the kid goes on about all the great things he grew up with that this old-timer wouldn't know much of. After he pipes down some, the gentleman looks up at him and says, "Son, it was MY GENERATION who invented those things so YOURS could grow up with them! Now, what is it you're doing for the generation after yours?"
Needless to say, it makes a good point. When I joined the Army, I was filled with girl-power and pride in my country and myself. Surely, I thought, I am helping to pave the way. Sitting here, at 1:30 in the morning in my ACU uniform and suede boots, behind my big Army Clinic desk, I question that. What is it, exactly, that I'm doing for those girls I see come into the clinic? The young ones, with their mothers or fathers, or the teenage girls who come in looking a little sheepish as they sneak condoms out of the bowl on the desk and scamper out, or the ones I see playing basketball in the gym? What am I doing for these girls, or their male counterparts, or anyone who is not already at the same place in their life as I am? I suppose my interest has been renewed at my finding The Baha'i Faith, which is a complex, but incredibly peaceful and accepting religion, not to mention the fastest-growing on the planet earth. A large focus for the Baha'i is doing good for others, especially those of future generations. Humanity is finally maturing, we know, so it is time to take a different approach, and to help the world bloom into what we know it can be. Each religion has been a different stage of our race's (the human race, that is) maturity, and it's time to own up for the world around us, and take care of one another. While this has never been something I didn't believe, it is a great source of strength for me to find people who feel as I do. Not to say I haven't met individuals, along the way, but never such a community as this.
I wonder, when I look around at the attitudes of women and girls younger than myself, to what degree have I effected these attitudes? I see such a huge amount of disrespect among these people- for themselves, others, their seniors, their juniors... And it seems so endless. My generation has been so notoriously selfish, and I can't help but wonder if that self-focus will ever be turned... I want so much to see that attention that is so painstakingly applied to oneself be held up against what these people see others go through... Being stationed in Korea has given me some small idea of how big- and how small- the world really is. I lived in ten states in the good ol' U.S. of A, but no matter how far into the ghetto you go, there's just some things you will never understand about the rest of the world. Not everyone sees things like we do, even the ones with comparable lifestyles. The differences go much deeper than Democrat VS Republican, or Crip VS Blood, even. There's so much in this world to learn, so much to know, so much to teach. There is so much each of us can do just to make this world even a little bit better for somebody. In an age where the basic courtesies of saying hello to someone when you begin speaking to them, or referring to your seniors as ma'am or sir are completely blown off, how can we be so astonished that there are children exploiting each other sexually, and little girls wanting to show off their quickly-maturing parts? How can the big things continue to amaze us as they occur, even as we totally dismiss the very basic parts of every day respect and courtesy? Without a foundation, everything is bound to crumble.
I'm not one who touts religion as being an absolute neccesity. I have been bound to my own faith, before I knew that what I believed had a name. I know full well morals, respect and caring are not limited to those who claim a religious strain as their own. What I don't understand is why we are letting these things slip away so quickly, and why no one seems to be doing anything about it.

Sex And Fear

Here's one that hit close to home for me, in an odd way. This teenage boy was pretending to be a fellow student, a female one, to get naked photos or videos of male classmates, in order to blackmail them to have sex with him, which he also photographed and video-taped. You can put any label you want on this, that is rape. I am not one to use that word for much- if you drink and sleep with someone, they didn't rape you, you got drunk and stupid and slept with someone you shouldn't have. I'm not much for the pity party on young adults behaving irresponsibly and calling it rape to cover their asses. At the same time, I'm not one to say that is all it ever is. There's a very fine line. Here's a little tidbit only a few know: I lost my virginity to a rape at age 14, and it was someone I knew.
I know parents for generations have been having the "bathing suit areas" discussion with even the youngest of children, but touching is no longer covering it. Hell, SEX isn't even covering it anymore. We need to be telling our children that, no matter what, they will be okay and we will still love them. We need to realize that these kids aren't staying kids anymore, they are trying to come out of the womb adults, and there's just not much parents and adults can do to stop that. What with the nanny state being what it is, spanking your 4 year old causes terror in the minds of many adults. While I don't claim to be entirely in aggreeance with that mindset, it is something the adults of today need to come to terms with, in some ways. This isn't the world we grew up in. You can't lock your child in their room forever. Hell, grounding your child may not work these days.
The parents are not always to blame. These boys were frightened that there would be some sort of negative reprecussions- obviously afraid of huge reprecussions to let it get this far- and were too afraid to stop it. Girls are not the only ones vulnerable, and the parents don't always have the ability to find out. Your child doesn't have to spend the night at someone's house to have sex, or do drugs. All they have to do is step out of the house. We can't stop the future generations from growing up too fast, but that doesn't mean we can't stop them from fearing how they will be treated if things like this get out. It is against all parents' instincts, but the only solution is to start seeing them as what they are- little adults. You know your child. If you're one of those parents that tells everyone else how smart your kid is, how fast they learn, then you know that you need to be teaching them ahead of the curve. Tell them they can say no, tell them to protect their bodies, no matter what they have said or done before, tell them that saying no is okay. Don't let them question who's in control of their own bodies, because even you, as a parent, ultimatley don't have as much say over their bodies as they do.
Perhaps this was more rant than article, but it needed to be said.

Trashy (Electronic) Romance Novels

Stumbled across this little thought over on Fark. I've been looking at the Kindle, lately. For those of you out of the technological loop, the Kindle- which just produced it's second generation- is an electronic book... You can download e-books off a number of websites, nearly every bookstore that has a website seems to be getting a peice of this action, and just hook up your kindle, and away you go. No cover art, no nosy people, no boxes of books to dispose of, for those of us who are avid readers. It's a great idea, in all honesty.
The interesting part of it is that, for those that enjoy a little descriptive narration in our literature, it's that much easier to read our- I mean, their- trashy romance novels without being questioned!
Even aside from the beautiful no-questions-asked part, it's really a pretty cool idea. I know, especially being stationed in South Korea, I get frustrated trying to wait patiently for my books to arrive in the mail, and then have a hell of a time trying to figure out what I'm going to do with them once I've read them. There don't seem to be a whole lot of folks who read much here, so even passing them along is unlikely. Not bad...

'Balls Deep' Has Taken On A Whole New Meaning

Mr. Wen Hsueh, a 28 year old Chinese man, has more balls than you. Want proof?
This gentleman was sitting in a teahouse in China, with a number of other people, including a ten year old girl when a bomb was thrown into the teahouse. It exploded, and sent ball bearings flying. Mr. Wen, H. (I'm under the impression that Wen is his family name.) ended up with what is described as being dozens of these in his buttocks- a condition so painful he passed out almost immediatley, it seems- which will take a minimum of two surgeries to remove.
Am I allowed to show this to the next jerk who comes in here with some paper-cut-like injury whining and complaining at the top of his lungs?